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There Is No Real America
"There Is No Real America" is a monologue delivered by Jon Stewart on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on 21 July 2016. Transcript Well, the convention’s over. I thought Donald Trump was going to speak. Ivanka said that he was going to come out. She said he was really compassionate and generous, but then this angry groundhog came out and he just vomited on everybody for an hour. But the Republicans appear to have a very clear plan for America, and they’ve articulated it throughout the convention. One, jail your political opponent. Two, inject Rudy Giuliani with a speedball and Red Bull enema. And then, three, spend the rest of the time scaring the holy bejeezus out of everybody. But I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in gymnastics. With the Rio Olympics coming up, I’m enjoying the gymnastics portion of the program that’s about to occur. That would be the contortions that many conservatives will now have to do, to embrace Donald J. Trump, a man who clearly embodies the things that they have, for years, said that they have hated about Barack Obama. :of Fox News panelists calling President Obama divisive, thin-skinned, authoritarian and narcissistic A thin-skinned narcissist with no government experience. Yes. That sounds exactly like — Barack Obama. So now the right-wing media’s going to have to spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week, justifying this choice they’ve made. Can they make the turn? They already are. Let’s trace their journey through the eyes of one of their most talented gymnasts. of Sean Hannity. Um, uh, his name escapes me. Let’s just refer to him as Lumpy. Hey, Lumpy. For instance, here’s how Lumpy felt about Barack Obama’s divisiveness. :of Hannity describing divisions for which he blames Mr. Obama, including “black versus white” and “old versus young” Cats versus dogs! Batman versus Superman! :of Taylor Swift, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian That one against the other two! I’ve been out of the business a while, I don’t know what that is. If you don’t like divisiveness, what about when Trump suggested Mexico is sending us their rapists? On Cinco de Mayo, we had the Trump Tower taco bowl, and that’s one of the healing-est meals on the Trump Tower menu. I’m not an expert on racial unity. But I do believe that some of our more vaunted historical leaders in that area did retweet white supremacists less than Trump. So I believe — I’m just saying. Then there was the Obama crony that Lumpy couldn’t stand. His old friend, Teleprompty. :of Mr. Hannity criticizing Mr. Obama’s use of teleprompters He probably sleeps with the darn thing and then probably doesn’t call it the next day because it didn’t say so on the teleprompter. Lumpy, your 180, please. :of Mr. Hannity praising Mr. Trump’s use of teleprompters You hate teleprompters! You’re saying now, “Teleprompters are for stupid people, and I thought Trump handled it pretty good.” O.K., inexperience aside. Divisiveness aside. The worst thing about Barack Obama is his elitism. :of Mr. Hannity asking how in touch Mr. Obama is with the average American, ordering a hamburger with Dijon mustard Yeah, you elitist! You probably eat that burger with your mouth. Instead of acting like a real American and having a Magnum fire it up your ass. Like they serve them at Arby’s. That’s how they serve them, actually, at Arby’s. Meanwhile, here’s how Lumpy feels about the guy who sits in a literal golden throne at the top of a golden tower with his name in gold letters at the top of it, eating pizza with a knife and fork. How do you feel about that guy? :of Mr. Hannity describing Mr. Trump as a “blue-collar billionaire” That’s not a thing. You know what? It is true, Trump does seem like the kind of guy you want sit down and own a fleet of airplanes with. Look, all that stuff is actually superficial and I’m sure it’s easy for people without ethics or principles to embrace someone who embodies everything that they said they hated about the previous president for the past eight years. Because, really for a president, it’s about what’s inside. And that’s where Lumpy and friends — that’s where they really have found the president lacking. :of Mr. Hannity criticizing the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. and saying he would not go to his church Obama would. He’s the type of Christian that’s, you know, whispers not Christian. When the pope said that Trump’s talk about immigration was not Christian, surely that gave Lumpy pause. :of Mr. Hannity asking how the pope can decide if someone is a Christian in his heart Yeah! Who died and made that guy pope? So let’s just say, for real, here’s where we are. Either Lumpy and his friends are lying about being bothered by thin-skinned, authoritarian, less-than-Christian readers-of-prompter being president. Or they don’t care, as long as it’s their thin-skinned prompter-authoritarian-tyrant-narcissist. You just want that person to give you your country back. Because you feel that you’re this country’s rightful owners. There’s only one problem with that. This country isn’t yours. You don’t own it. It never was. There is no real America. You don’t own it. You don’t own patriotism. You don’t own Christianity. You sure as hell don’t own respect for the bravery and sacrifice of military, police and firefighters. Trust me, I saw a lot of people on the convention floor in Cleveland with their “blue lives matter” rhetoric, who either remained silent or actively fought against the 9/11 first responders’ bill reauthorization. I see you and I see cut for obscenity. :Colbert says, “We’re live” We’re live. Never been on a television show with stakes before. So I see you. You’ve got a problem with those Americans fighting for their place at the table. You’ve got a problem with that because you feel like — what’s Representative Steve King’s word for it? Subgroups of Americans are being divisive. Well, if you have a problem with that, take it up with the founders. We hold these truths to be self-evident. Singing. “That all men are created equal.” Respect, Lin-Manuel. Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not being divisive. Those fighting to keep those people out are. So, Lumpy, you and your friends have embraced Donald Trump. Clearly, the “c” next to your names don’t stand for constitutional or conservative. But cravenly, convenient —— :Colbert interrupts with an air horn Category:2016 works Category:American speeches